TOP FIVE THINGS THAT MIGHT PISS OFF YOUR GIRLFRIEND OR WIFE.

1) Say anything rude to her in a sarcastic manner. Even though you might be kidding you're not going to get a laugh out of her. This will force you to become a mind-reader and pin point the exact word or phrase that upset her. God forbid you apologize for the wrong thing that she is mad about. And one more thing...she's not going to tell you. Any question like,"Can you just tell me what I said that upset you so I can apologize?" Will result in, "I'm not angry," which will then follow with a look of vengeance on her face.

2) When she asks, "What do you want to eat?" Don't blurt out what you want to eat. She's asking this because she has something in mind that she wants to eat. She's not going to tell you what kind of food she wants though. For some reason we again have to guess till we get the right answer. I just go with my gut..."Mongolian or Viking food." Never been right.

3) This correalates with number two. If she asks, "are you hungry?" It means, she's hungry. The best way to deal with this is just always be hungry. It's pretty easy. 

4) There's a fine line between being a protective boyfriend or husband and a mad man. A girl wants to feel safe with her guy but she doesn't necessarily find it sexy when you go up to a guy who's looking at her and spit in his face and utter something like, "If you look at my lady again, I'm going to rip your eyes out and skull fuck your head in front of your mother." It doesn't really fly today.

5) Girls don't find farts cute in anyway. Especially in bed. That chuckle that we men get out of farts is not worth the crap that you are going to hear from your lady. 

Slash and Motley Crue Autobiographies

These are must reads if you haven't read already. You think you partied? These books will humble you quickly. I wouldn't read them back to back though. I started getting curious about what it would be like to shoot liquid-vicodin. 

AC/DC BACK ON TOUR

Finally. It's been eight years but their back. Trust me. These guys really let the dogs out when they play live. With Metallica on tour and a possible Led Zeppelin reunion there's a strong possibility that my balls might explode. 

Ross Perot

I wish this guy was still around. Remember that team? Perot and Stockdale. Absolute lunatics. That was so much fun. I guess the fact that McCain picked Palin to be his running mate is pretty fun to hear about. We still have Bush in the White House too. I live for his public addresses. He's like the guy in your fraternity who you thought would never make it. Kind of like..well me I guess. 

Yves Rossy-Rocketeer

This guy became the first guy to fly a self-propelled jet over the Swiss Alps. What a stud. Even if he didn't make it and got hurt how cool would it be for some girl to ask, "How did you get that scar?" "Nothing big. I was just flying over the swiss-alps in my one man jet plane and hit a mountain." He needs lightning bolts painted on his wings though. Maybe a skull too.  

McCain cancelled Letterman Appearance

McCain cancelled his appearance on Letterman to "rush back to DC to deal with the recession crisis." However, he ended up not going back till the following morning. If McCain didn't want to go on why didn't he just throw Sarah Palin on? Maybe he was worried about her responses to tough questions just like her interview with Katie Couric. I think "I'm not sure, but I'll get back to you on that," is a fine answer. She's just a hockey-mom remember. I can't wait till that Vice Presidential debate. 

OJ

Come on dude. Just go to prison. We really don't need you around anymore. 

Old Men

A girlfriend of mine recently got yelled at by an old man who told her to stop talking on her cell phone. He then spit on her and called her the infamous "C" word. She responded by spitting back but could only muster enough spit to get a little white foam on his arm. So she threw her cup of coffee on him. 

Listen...If your old you can get away with a lot. Once I turn 70 (if) I plan on taking all of the mirrors off of my car and just driving but there's a time and a place for everything. If you want to play dumb and cut in line or bump into me walking that's fine. 

No need to be yelling and spitting. With kids today who knows what will happen if they yell at the wrong person. I guess I fall into "kids today" as well since I would be planning an aggressive revenge on the Old-Bastard. I would befriend him for approximately two years. Then I would upper-deck his toilet. I can't reiterate enough what a great revenge the upper-deck is. It takes time and patience. 

I'm currently engaged to a girl from high-school who called me immature 15 years ago. Just so I can get married, move in with her and poop in the top part of her toilet and then leave never to be seen again. 

Megan Fox

"Hi, I'm Megan Fox. Pretty much the hottest new-chick out there. I can get any guy I want. That's why I grabbed the aspiring-rapper from 90210 from the 90's."

WHAT THE FUCK? He must have a giant piece and a great coke connection in LA. 

Donny From New Kids On The Block

Come on Donny. You're in The New Kids On The Block. You're not a tough guy. And you are currently going on a reunion tour singing songs that you sang when you were fifteen. Stop trying to pose like you are some bad-ass. Embrace it like the rest of your jockey-short wearing, pierced ear, faggot band mates. 

Matt Damon Ripping On Sarah Palin

Check out the video that I posted of Matt Damon ripping on Sarah Palin. I kind of agree with him. It's nice to know that I get my news from the most credible sources. Jason Bourne and the headlines from the New York Post. After reading the sports section and Page 6 I'm exhausted. It's also written at a 7th grade reading level so I'm usually lost half-way through the articles. Damon's kids look nice in this picture though. 

Oswald

Check out Oswald getting his croon on? Sure he was a psychopathic killer but his voice was as soothing as morning-dew drops in a meadow after waking up naked having no idea where you are. I don't do nearly enough naked, meadow naps. 

-Pic sent in by Dr. Gorgeous. 

Gas Prices

I get it. Gas Prices are high. There's plenty of other stuff to complain about though.  If gas prices continue to increase I still need to buy Gas. What other option do I have? Get a bike? That's just ridiculous. I guarantee you that if I start riding a bike I'll be the guy who falls on his head and dies. Not a chance I'm wearing a helmet. 

Who Knew?

You got to be kidding me? This guy's gay? You mean to be telling me that with his rugged clothes, ungroomed hair, and passionette supporter of "The Deadliest Catch," and "Ice Trucker" shows on the Discovery Channel that he's gay. I mean, sure he had a baby with a women using In Vetro Fertilization but I thought he was just too tired from his crazy rock-star touring lifestyle. 

Congrats to Clay Aiken for coming out. Now you can grab as much D as you can and not have to hide behind this masculine image that America knows you by. Get your gay on!!! 

Shea Stadium

If anyone hears about finding Keith Hernandez's used cigarette butts (trophies, dead soldiers) in the dugout when Shea Stadium is torn down let me know. I have someone who is interested in buying. Also Darryl Strawberry's pipe, and Doc Gooden's rolled up dollar bill might be some good items to auction on Ebay if found. 

Red Bull

I seriously thought this stuff was just a phase. I used to drink it with Vodka right when it came out. It's an alcoholic's worst nightmare. It's got such a strong taste so you can't taste the vodka and  you can drink it quickly which if you drank like me you would black-out. You don't hear too many people going,"After a long day at the office I like to come home, watch sportscenter and have a nice Red-Bull and Vodka." Much like you don't hear many people saying, "Did you see that fight outside of the pet-store yesterday?" The location is usually a bar.

I digress. Anyway, because Red-Bull has so much caffeine, my black-outs weren't "falling asleep on the bar." It was more like me asking, "What happened last night?" The reply would be, "Nothing much. I mean, you took off your pants and peed all over a bouncer and pooped on the pool table but you were drinking red bull and vodka so everyone understood." To this day when I see someone at 8am walking down the street with their "morning-red bull" I dry heave in my mouth. Much like I do when I see a Mad Dog 20/20 in a grocery store.  On the other hand. 40 of Crazy Horse....I start to drool. 

P Diddy & Courvoisier

 I could go on about this jack-ass for for days . Changing names? Sunglasses inside? Singing songs like, "Pass The Courvoisier." Poor Courvoisier. Courvoisier used to be known as a fine after dinner Cognac. They had to restructure their whole ad campaign entirely just because P Puffy Diddy Daddy Combs started to say that he drinks it. He probably drinks it with Coke.

Andy Dick

I'm not going into Dick's recent arrest. It's pretty obvious that he struggles with addictions. 

I can't tell if this guy's gay or straight? I see the whacky bastard with a lot of hot ass, but he really gets his flamboyance on when it comes to his personality. Now I'm not saying that if your flamboyant, you're gay, but it's very confusing. Maybe he likes dudes and chicks and satisfies his sexually appetite with three ways while getting his reach-around on. 

Uncle Sam

Uncle Sam is an icon for the United States Military for as long as I can remember. They might want to update this guy's clothes though. If this guy came up to me on the street and asked me to join the military I'd be scared shitless. Look at that goatee. His clothes must smell like ass too. He kind of looks like a guy I bought ecstasy off of at a Widespread Panic concert in 2000. Although I didn't get the guy's name or his history something tells me he wasn't much of a military man. 

The Smart Car

I was texting someone while driving and apparently I must have been going below the speed limit because this "Smart Car" passed me and the guy driving (which is funny in itself) flicked me off. It might have been the worst moment of my life. I had to go home and watch porn, lift weights, listen to AC/DC and eat a raw steak to get my masculinity back. Not at the same time though. I would have pulled a hammy. 

David Blaine

What the fuck is with this guy? I saw some TV show a while back where he was doing magic and levitating and it was cool as hell. Then he decides that doing random shit for extended periods of time is a great career move. He sits in ice, is buried alive under a sidewalk...I mean, aside for not having claustrophobia, what's the big deal?

Now, he is hanging upside down...what's next? Bouncing up and down on a see-saw for 48 hours? I guess this must be lucrative for the jack-off TV producers paying for this fiasco but if they wanted me to stand in Times Square with my thumb up my ass for 2 straight days, the struggler knows where to find me. 

-Post sent in by Dr. Gorgeous

Fireworks?

Have I missed something with fireworks? What's so exciting about them. "Ooh look at all the pretty colors." What the fuck? The only enjoyment I get out of fireworks is if I'm the one lighting them off. It gives me that thrill that every time I put that lighter to the fuse there's a possibility that my hand might blow off. 

TOP FIVE AND AND A HALF WAYS TO CALL IN SICK

1) Don't be afraid to call in sick on a Monday or Friday. If you do this though call in sick the following day as well. That way it looks like you are really sick. If you call in on a Friday call in on Monday as well. It makes you look really down and out and gives you a nice long weekend. Of course you'll probably be fired for being a slacker but whatever. You got to ride that weekend out because come Tuesday you're done.

2) When you call in, have running water in the background. Tell your boss that there's been a flood. It's very original and works great. Unless of course you're not a hard worker to begin with. Your boss will see this as "the last straw" and now have an excuse to fire you. 

3) If you can muster enough strength just go in and be prepared to give your best dramatic tour de force of your lifetime in the acting genre. Every time, your boss will ask you to go home so that you don't infect the office. If you are hung over though make sure to keep popping altoids. However, being that this isn't your first time coming in hung-over your boss is probably used to it and smells the booze coming out of your pores. You probably get a lot of, "did you drink at lunch?" What that person doesn't know is that you didn't drink at lunch you just stink like booze from the night before. So pretty much you're fucked. 

4) In the famous words of George Costanza, "it's not a lie if you believe it." Don't tell a soul that you are faking. In the end it will be engrained in your head that you really are sick and years down the road you won't even remember that you were faking.

5) If there's absolutely no way that you are going in call around 6am before anyone gets to work. Don't sounds sick as your boss will think your faking. Just try and sound somewhat normal but you want it to sound as if your trying hard to sound normal. Again, you got to be ready to get your act on. On the phone it's easier though. Everyone's done that before. Tell them you'll do your best to come in later on in the afternoon if you can. If you feel like it put in a call in later on in the day, but usually you are pretty safe.  

6) I've never done this one which is surprising since I'm a horrible person but the death of someone will get you out of anything. It's just terrible and I know people who have used it. Their soul's are black and rotten though.

Trump's Hair

I know this is an old topic but I got a new conclusion that I've come to about his hair style. I'm convinced that Trump has a satellite in space that projects a hologram onto his head at all times. It's the only feasible explanation. 

Actually, it wasn't my conclusion at all. I just stole it. 

Put a new twist on airplane flying.

Get a porno mag in the airport. Every magazine shop has them. Which is pretty scary considering that people might be whacking all over those little airplane bathrooms.  Bring the porno on the plane and open it up in your seat and casually read it. See what kind of reactions you get. If you really want to take it up a notch carry it to the bathroom. 

Revenge: The Upper Deck

I feel like not enough people know about this. You want revenge on someone. Upper deck their toilet. Take a shit in the top part of the toilet. It will reek for weeks before somebody notices. That's it. If it's a co-worker at work don't just poop on their chair. Try and get an invite to their house and upper deck their toilet. It's so easy! I'll let you in on a little secret. The real thrill is devising a way to get into their house to use their toilet. 

Sinbad

Look at this jack ass. This is one guy that I wished would go away a long time ago and I think my wish has been granted. I shouldn't of said anything though. I probably just jinxed myself. 

Gallagher

This guy hit the mother load. Who knew that you could make a career out of smashing things onstage? Had I known that in college I could have been a billionaire. With that being said, he's still dead to me. 

Just Make The Box Smaller

It has to be close to 100 years that people have been eating cereal. To all the cereal companies out there we get it. The box is enormous and the package that contains the cereal has about half of what the box looks like. Just makes the boxes smaller. Or I'll be forced to brain every cereal company President. 

How To Get Served Underage

As much as the law enforces ID's a sure fire way to get into bars is with somebody elses ID who's 21 who looks remotely like you. Try and stay away from bars where there's bouncers outside. Last but not least, don't go up to the bar and say, "What's you strongest drink?" or, "I'll have a Long Island Ice Tea." The srongest drink is a pitcher of 151 Proof Bacardi Rum. Unless of course the bar sells Moonshine. 

Children Of Today

Will somebody just beat these kids with a frying pan. I'd would like to say, will their parents please show them some discipline but not a chance these delinquents get much face time with the rents.  

Best Career Ever

Why didn't I ever think of becoming a weather man? You're never wrong. "Today it looks like it's going to be a beautiful day (of course if a storm occurs later on in the day I'm not to blame. I don't even know how to read this screen for God's sake. Cut me some slack)."

Best Flip Flops Ever

I should do a commercial for these Rainbow flip flops. The pair on the left lasted almost three years. And I wear my clothes hard. Of course the worst thing is realizing what the hell I was thinking when I bought that sissy ass tan pair in the beginning. Did I really like that color or did I know I could wear them into a hard-living, masculine sandal? I'll keep you updated on the progress of breaking them in. I think I'm going to eat a lot of beets tomorrow and stick my finger down my throat and projectile vomit all over them. There's something about beet throw up that I think will be a great liquid for breaking in flip flops. 

Time To Stop!

You know you're a drug addict when the only dealer that will call you back has a garage door opener on his belt that he says is a pager. And even a pager is pretty suspect these days. 

What's Up With All Of These Handshakes?

What ever happened to the days when you could just shake somebody's hand? Now I have to look at the guys hand and see if he's doing a fist pump or  if it is a normal hand shake. Even after, I have to look down to see if we're going to hit fists after. And those are the easiest ones. I'm getting too old to be wary of how people shake hands. 

Treat Your Bartenders Nice!

I know a friend of mine who's a bartender and told me recently that a customer was giving him a lot of shit. When he ordered his next drink he went in the back to get more limes. He cut the limes and grabbed one and rubbed it all over his taint. He then put it in his drink. Just saying...

ROCK STARS

I think I would love to be a rock star just because I could get away with ridiculous clothes. There's a strong possibility that Steven Tyler is wearing his "formal clothes" in this picture. God bless that wailing bastard.

CAGE

This guy's pretty much an ass. He's one of the best actors of his generation but has no problem cranking out terrible movies. My only hope for Cage is that he did this new movie Bangkok Dangerous so that he could go on talk shows and say the word Bangkok. 

Lil' Wayne

This guy just made the list....and I got a lot of lists. Check out this video of his appearance on SNL. I think it's at 3:35 when he actually starts playing this guitar that I thought he was just using as a giant necklace. I was bellied over in laughter.  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MIM1700Fv_E

I was going to post it but I don't want this guy suing my ass. His teeth cost more than my college education. 

Really?

Murder She Wrote was a popular television show in the roaring '80s. Especially with my Grandmother. She would sit there asleep in her chair snoring. When I tried to steal the remote out of her hands she would hit my hand with her frail, veiny paw. I therefore have terrible memories as a child because of this show. One question that wherever this old bag of bones went,a murder would occur. Don't you think if you ran a hotel and Jessica Fletcher came in you might say, "Sorry lady but every place you stay in someone dies. This hotel's booked." I'm assuming she didn't help business much after she left the hotel.

But like my favorite late night talk show host Craig Ferguson says over and over again, boy does she look like Paul McCartney. 

Stop Standing Next To Me If There's Another Urinal You Can Use.

Seriously, there's no need to saddle up next to me to take a piss if there's another urinal available. If you're that guy, your creeping me out. And whatever you do don't turn and look at me. I'll think your looking at my piece and I won't be able to pee. 

White Pants

I love the fact that women still for the most part think that white pants aren't see through. 

More importantly I love that they have no idea what goes through a guys head and when they are stalking, I mean walking behind them.