No Posts This Week

I'm battling a terrible cold and have too much other work to do. Work that entails making money...kind of. I did call my cell phone and leave myself a message with some dreadful lie as to why I am sick and can't come into work. Work meaning getting off my couch and walking into my office. It involved being around circus animals and eating too much cotton candy. 

If anyone reads this God Awful excuse for a website I'm already on the up and up and be back with new posts next week. Don't get your panties in a bunch. 

Word of advice though...do not snort nasal spray when you are lying on the couch so your head is facing up. It's horrific. I really struggle when I decide to put my own twists on medicines. Don't worry though. I'm not snorting thera-flu I promise. 

Top Five Reason Why I Love Dive Bars

1) You can get away with murder in those places. Peeing in the side pocket of a pool table is just another Tuesday afternoon for the staff.

2) I always feel so welcome. Looking back I'm sure that the patrons saw me a mile away and realized that if they were nice to this preppy, pussy boy who's wearing Carhartt's to try and fit in they'll probably be able to rustle a free drink out of me. 

3) If you saddle up to a regular in the establishment you'll learn quickly that the conversation gets weird pretty fast. The only thing that can put the two of you on the same plane is booze. I can't begin to think how much time I wasted in some really creepy conversations. The creepiness coming from me in my inebriated state obviously. 

4) It's cheap. For some reason I felt like I found the fucking Holy Grail when I discovered that a bar has canned beers for 2.50 a pop. I'd then probably try and go town mayor on the joint and give the tender a five every time so that it looked like I was a high roller. 

5) They got tons of games. When you're in a dive bar you're probably not in there to get laid. You might get laid later on in the evening when you are ass wasted but it probably won't be with a women that you are going to keep in touch with. I think these owners realize that and when guys sit around they run out of conversation quickly once the topic of pussy has run out. So then you have the whole night to play pool, darts, golden tee, shuffle puck, buck-hunting and the list goes on. It's a great way to keep degenerates like me entertained. 

The Seek/Scan Buttons On Car Radios Are Dead To Me

I've discovered one thing in life that the better it works the shittier it actually is. This feature has been improved so much over the years that now it actually functions worse than it used too. The beast that I speak of is the seek/scan feature button on car radios. Now I realize that in this day of satellite radio and ipods this doesn't have a huge effect on most people, but I like to rock it old school from time to time and get down with some straight up terrestrial radio. In my car if I press the seek/scan button I have hopes of it whipping through the dial at an inhuman rate of speed until if finds a tune that is sufficient to jam too. However this friggin' piece of technology thinks it's doing me a favor by stopping on every station with the slightest hint of actual sound that has a static ratio of less than 95%. I'm not looking for my scan/seek button to find some touch-hole with a ham radio broadcasting from Wichita and spending the next 5 seconds of my life trying to decipher through the static if what I'm hearing is a Satanical rant or his favorite Abba remix. I could do that spinning the tuner Pat Sajak style on my own.

-post sent in by Big Mo

You Know You've Found The Right Women When...

You can actually say, "I need to take a poop." Probably the hardest thing in relationships is figuring out when your going to take a shit. You got to sneak into public restrooms and crank one out real quick so she doesn't expect anything. There comes a time though when you realize that you have to admit that you have to go to the bathroom and it might stink afterwards. It's a big step in the relationship. Some people feel it's when you say, "I love you." For me it's, "Honey...I really got to poop."

McCain On Letterman

McCaine went on Letterman to admit that he "screwed up" by canceling his appearance a couple of weeks back to say that he had to get back to DC which was a bold faced lie. The interview went pretty well. Bottom line is McCaine is good guy. He's old as fuck though. I feel sorry for him when he's trying to be funny because he's just too old. He's like the dad who your friend had in high school who would come down to the basement and hang out and drink beers with you. He'd think he was fitting in but you would be thinking, "get out of here old man." Letterman made fun of Palin for obvious reasons and McCaine feels that she can run a country and use past Presidents reminding us of where they came from. One was President Clinton who was Governor or Arkansas. Good point but Letterman then addressed the fact that our country is in turmoil right now and we don't want the Governor of Alaska in there trying to run our country.

I understand what the Republican Party was thinking getting Palin on the ticket but again, McCaine's fucking old and he might die and I don't want Palin running our country. I can honestly say that the big reason I don't want her is because of her accent. I said it. She sounds like an idiot. 

McDonalds has Turned Me Into Pavlov's Dog

I don't eat fast food much and when I do I walk into the joint and shake my head in disgust at all the fat people eating there. 

That being said, when I make a commitment and eat at McDonalds the moment I enter those doors I literally start to drool. It's disgusting. I then eat to the point where I feel like I am going to throw up because I feel like I am giving my body a treat. Obviously my body doesn't agree with me as I spend the rest of the day fighting a terrible fast food hang over. I then say I'm never going to eat there again and of course I do. I'm officially insane.

Insanity: Doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. 

Fall Back-Best Holiday Ever

If you're like me the and strive for excellence in every arena of you're life then you might get a little tired. Don't worry, fall back is approaching. It's not recognized as a holiday but should be. Coming up in a couple of weeks we get an extra hour of sleep. The great thing about this is if you forget about it you show up to work an hour early and look like a hard-worker. Spring Ahead haunts my nightmares. 

Booze Waters Down Your Mind And Leads To Long Term Loss Of Brain Volume

A new study says that booze and brain loss go hand in hand. Who gives a fuck? This is just a waste of time and money for scientists. We get it. Drinking is not good for you. It's not going to stop anyone. They should do a new study saying, "Just revealed, boys in college have absolutely no confidence and can't talk to girls or last more than a minute in bed without booze." 

When anyone says something regarding brain loss from drinking I just say Hemmingway was a drunk and he was a brilliant writer. I even have a couple of books in my bookshelf. Don't ask me if I read them, I said I have a couple of his books. 

The Mangroomer

If you're like me and are considered one of the hairiest men alive this bad boy is for you. As I get older hair increases to grow on my body. It's awful. I found this puppy though to take care of the back situation. Of course it causes rashing and terrible itching but it's worth it. I just put myself in a women's shoes (not literally) and if they can pluck their eyebrows and get their gashes waxed then I can handle the mangroomer. 

W The Movie

I caught this flick over the weekend and it's pretty good. To all the die hard republicans don't worry. It wasn't written by Oliver Stone so it's pretty accurate in the depiction of our worst President ever. It showed that this guy really isn't the brightest of guys and basically failed at everything in his life and decided to ride on the coattails of daddy and become President. You can't help but feel somewhat sorry for the dude. He's just not a smart guy. 

What it really taught me is that we shouldn't be voting for people to become our President who are the kind of people  you would like to go out and have a beer with. 

If I ever sat down with a President I would hope to leave and go, "Wow he or she uses big words." Not so with W. 

I'm Getting Too Old To Wait In Lines

It's not like I've ever loved waiting in lines but recently it's eating me up. It's not so much the lines as the people who are taking a half an hour doing God knows what. Whether it's checking in for a flight or renting a car. What could possibly be taking so long? Is the person really complaining about the car that the rental car company picked out and wants a new one? I don't know what's going on but show a little consideration for other people waiting. 

And there's no way I'm waiting in a line to get into a bar or a club at my age. Especially if there's some twenty-two year old cunt looking at what I'm wearing to see if my clothes will be the appropriate dress code for the bar or club. I'm too fucking old and way too fucking sober to go through that bullshit. 

Please Forgive My Tardiness

I know you've been worried sick since I didn't do my weekly post on time but all is well. My power and cable went out on Friday night. Kind of a bitch. Got my power back on Saturday and the cable guy was supposed to come over between 12-5 on Saturday but never showed. 

Now I know I should have wireless but I don't. I actually write everything with a feathered pen on a piece of paper and get a pony express to deliver it to some nerd named Herman who knows how to post this crap that I write. I use the internet solely for porn. Hard core porn. Weird stuff. Chicks getting peed on and stuff like that. Needless to say I've been really stressed out. 

So I waited till Tuesday 9-12. Never showed. So I called. Apparently he was running late and when they run late they just cancel without calling. Luckily I called and they told me that he would be there in 15 minutes. I called them back every 15 minutes getting the same response till 4:30. When the guy finally came over he said, "You know you didn't have to hang around. We just need to fix something outside." 

I'm not going to get into it but if you're late just give me a call. Why is it that in our society when the cable's out there's just no way that there showing up on time? It's the same thing with Doctors. I've never been seen at the time of my appointment. I told my most recent Doctor that he beat the record and actually had me waiting for two hours. That's pretty impressive. 

I don't mind tardiness just let me know.  Wouldn't it be great to hear, "Hey dude it's the cable guy. I know I am supposed to be there between nine and noon but I feel awful from getting royally shit faced last night. I'm going to get some sleep, get something greasy to eat and be over at one. I promise." 

Top Five Worst Places To Go On A First Date

1) A Movie: Seems innocent enough but it could go terrible. For example; If there's any type of romance in the movie or a sex scene it gets really awkward. You can get over that though. The worst thing is that if the girl asks questions in the movie or doesn't laugh at the things that you are laughing at. I can pretty much tell when I go to a movie with a girl if I'll ever hang out with her again. On a positive note. If it's a laugh out loud comedy she might be a snorter when she laughs so you can cut bate quickly. You can't be rolling around with a snorter on your arm.

2) A concert: Sure you might get tickets to a great concert and want to show some hotty how you roll with your great seats and all but be careful. A) You can't talk at all which is kind of weird. B) She might be a terrible dancer and you start to get laughed out. c) She might want you to dance. Some girls don't find the head bobbing sufficient. D) You might be a raging alcoholic and get into a fight with someone in the crowd or throw up on her (done both).

3) A Sporting Event: Again, on the surface it might seem like a good idea. Show her what a big shot you are. She might get scared though if you are really into the game and even offended because you are ignoring her. What's probably going to happen is that she's going to ask you a bunch of idiotic questions and you'll want to punch her in the boob.

4) A Museum or something out of your element: Unless you can get away with being an idiot (I do it quite well) and she likes that kind of guy, your going to come off as an idiot because you don't know anything. Or, you might come off as an asshole since you are not interested at all.

5) A party where you don't know anyone: A first date is way too premature to be meeting her friends. I of course go town mayor on the joint and they all love me (I say this to myself), but watch out for the dudes. If you're anything like me when a new guy comes in the mix he immediately needs to prove himself. I got plenty of guy friends, not looking for anymore. There's also the possibility that you might run into one of her exes or a guy that has a crush on her. Luckily for us every ex and every guy who liked a girl that we are with isn't as cool as us. Prove to the guy that you don't like him and that you will fight him if he would like too.  

Rings & Flowers-what a waste.

So as guys we've learned that if we do something wrong we need to buy our significant other flowers. We buy something that costs us around 50 or 100 dollars that lasts a week and then dies. I would be happier lighting a cool fire to 100 dollars then having to buy flowers.

And then of course the lovely engagement ring. We as men have to save up 3 months salary to buy a rock....a rock. Not a car, not a trip, not a giant giraffe...a rock. Enough said. 

I Can't Even Take Care Of Plants

I recently made a big change in my life and bought six plants for my apartment. When I got each plant I asked the plantiologist if these were easy plants to take care of. He told me that all of them live long if you water them once a week. 

So I've been doing just like he says but all their limbs are falling off and making me feel like a terrible dad. Did you know that you can actually water a plant too much and they can drown. What the fuck?

Apparently every plant comes with something that tells you how to take care of them. It's a little plastic piece in the dirt. I obviously threw that out. We'll see who the strongest plant is. I'm going to stop watering them all. Make it a challenge. Poor guys. 

Bookies In Trouble Due To Economy

Apparently there's been a big problem with bookies having trouble collecting money due to the economy and their clientele hasn't been able to pay up.

They've gone back to the old school and resorted to breaking legs and what not. What a shame.

I feel for the coke dealers and strippers as well. Times are tough. 

Cell Phones-Pain In The Ass

I'm sure like me we all have cell phone rages (maybe). No service, cell phone freezing up on you, not dialing and the list goes on. 

I deal the best I can but I tell you who's really irritating me...

These stupid companies who still use letters in their phone number to be quirky. You really want me to try and find that god damn dial pad on my phone so I can find the letters. Get with the times and just give me the number. 

Beverly Hills Chihuahua-Number One Movie In America

Once again Hollywood has beaten me to the punch. I need to step up my screen-writing. Perhaps a story of a talking ant eater who lives in Malibu and is a Scientologist. 

In Hollywood's defense, there's something about a talking dog that makes me chuckle. 

Iceland Is For Sale

If you got money I would jump on this place. I've heard great things. 

I thought I was cool because I live alone. The renting part isn't that cool so I lie and say I own the whole building. 

Imagine if you owned your own country? I would get a lot of water slides and have tons of parades.

If you decide to buy this let me know. I've developed a great idea for a rehab/amusement park. You know where to find me. 

Scientology Now Scares Me

I was on Youtube checking out all these clips about how crazy Scientology is. I then was listening to someone speaking about how crazy Tom Cruise is. Apparently he's a level 9 or something like that where Tom can actually move objects with his eyes. 

After hearing this guy ranting about it, I started ranting and yelling at my computer.

A second later something fell out of my closet and my closet door opened. It scared the hell out of me. 

I shut my computer down and I went and bought twenty copies of Cocktail on DVD in hopes that Tom Cruise won't use his Witchcraft on me. Please forgive me Tom for doubting your cooky religion you crazy, gay bastard. 

Orlando Bloom Is Now On The List

This guy is just a straight up pussy. I'd cut him some slack if he acted cool in his roles but he's a puss bag in those too. Came across this picture and I thought that his tattoo needed to be addressed. 

I'm sure Orlando is no stranger to an anklet to go along with his gay-ass stomach tattoo.

You can obviously ridicule me for the fact that I saw this picture and posted it. I'm ready.  

AIG Spends Money On Spa Treatments After Billions In Federal Bailout

Seriously AIG? Talk about terrible timing. What a bunch of jack-asses. 

This is like a move I did in high-school. Borrowing money from my mother to get my car fixed and then waking up the next morning to my mother tapping me on the couch asking where I got that tattoo on my leg. 

Unlike AIG I went in this grandiose lie that kept me going for the next couple of days, but like AIG I got caught. Since then I've learned to find other techniques to cover up my tracks. Maybe they have a job opening over there for me. I could put some spunk into that company. Teach those nerds a thing or two on how to get away with spending money frivoluosly. One thing they should have learned....hookers only take cash.  

Booger...a nerd?

I'm a huge fan of Revenge of the Nerds but one thing I can say that I don't agree with is classifying the character Booger as a nerd. 

If I knew someone with lines, and moves like this guy I would have befriended him immediately. And believe me the fact that he smelled bad and looked awful would have meant nothing to me. 

Keep in mind I hung out with a guy who got the nickname,"Grimace" because of his hideous looks. Dude could pound a beer like no other and I think graduated with a 4.o. I guess he was kind of like my Booger.

Mover-Worst Job In America

I want to go on record here, as this blog is as close as I am ever going to get to an official record, that being a mover is the worst job in America. Having just gone through a move of my own and seeing what these poor bastards go through, I am more convinced than ever.

Here's why:

Packing: Maybe the worst thing mankind has ever invented, discovered, whatever you want to classify it. You know how you need to pack for a long weekend and it sucks having to figure out what to bring?...well, multiply by 1,000 and imagine doing it for somebody else. Jesus. These guys have to pack up all of your shit. If it were up to me, I would just throw most of it out.

Margin of Error: It's paper thin for these guys. "Oh, you just moved my 4,000 lb. marble statue of the Virgin Mary and hoisted it up to the 4th floor balcony? Great, but you see this chip in my Ikea bookshelf? How am I going to be reimbursed for this?" Even a brain surgeon is considered a rock star if he saves 3 of your five senses when he cracks your head open...let's cut the fucking guys some slack already.

Dealing With Indecisive Women: Oh God. If I had to deal with some lady asking me to move her couch to every room in the damn house, they'd lock me up for murder about 1/2 way through my first job. Don't get me wrong...I love women (especially lesbians with giant cans) but doing repetitive shit for them drives me nuts.

Unpacking: Slightly less awful than packing...at least you are that much closer to being done.

Calendar: Most of the time, people are moving on the weekends...so kickin' back at a BBQ or clubbin' with the bitches is out. 

Weather: Any day you move is inevitably 96 degrees. That mean that every day is 96 degrees for them.

Customers: I don't know much...but what I do know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, is that most people on earth are Grade A Douche Bags. After all the complaints and horse shit these guys have to put up with, how often do people forget or intentionally stiff them on a tip? Quite often. 

So stay in school and get your shit together...or this could be you!

-Post sent in by Dr. Gorgeous

Paul Newman Dies at 83

Although tragic, I hope that when Paul Newman passed he could say to himself that he lived his life to the fullest. You can't help but only say good things about this guy. He was the quintessential man. Fantastic actor, race-car driver and donated over 25 million dollars a year to charities with all of his food products which were also eco-friendly. 

This guy did no wrong. He also bagged a lot of tail, smoked butts, openly admitted that he drank a case of beer regularly on a daily basis and could probably kick my ass with his pinky. 

You'll be missed and thanks for the memories. 

Sarah Palin

I read in yesterdays paper that Palin is getting support because "she's the kind of person who you would want to go out and have coffee with." What the fuck? Now I've heard over and over that she's "one of the people" from her. I don't want the Vice-President who can potentially be the President be just one "of the people." I don't want to relate to them. I related to our current President way too much. Mispronouncing words, not knowing what he was talking about and being a booze bag. Fuck yeah I can relate and that's what scared me. I don't need someone in office who I can go to coffee with. I need someone who knows what words like "fiscal" mean and how to run a country. I don't give a shit what you did in Alaska. It means nothing to me. I give a shit about what you are going to do with this country that your party has royally fucked up for eight years.  

And stop winking. Your, "I'm one of the people" persona might change into, "I'm one of those slutty women who you can drag out of the bar after last call," persona. 

I'm not buying it Palin. I know that although you exude a lot of confidence on camera, your shitting your pantyhose when your off. Your in way over your head and you don't know what the fuck is going on. 

Neither do I of course but I'm not running. 

George Michael Arrested In Bathroom...Again

Come on George. I'm all about, "trying to have faith," but after the first arrest you might be taking your lyrics a little too far. You don't "have to have faith," when it comes to doing drugs in public restrooms. It didn't work the first time and it didn't work the second time. You got to stop. 

I just hope that the other singer from Wham doesn't get any bright ideas and decide to to illegal drugs in the Jon somewhere to get some press and a possible career boost...Who am I kidding? That guy can't afford drugs. 

Styrofoam Packing Peanuts

Who the fuck invented this shit? "I got an idea. Forget newspaper and bubble wrap. I invented these little pieces of styrofoam that stick to your clothes and when you put them in the garbage and tie up the bag they'll pop out all over your floor." You son of a bitch. It ruins the fun of opening boxes. 

Bubble wrap though. That's stuff was sent from the heavens. Love it! I like to lay it out on the kitchen floor and get my STOMP on.  

Phish Reunion

It's official they're back! The last time I was at a Phish concert I didn't see much of the second set. I took some chocolate covered mushrooms. Apparently you are only supposed to take one and not the whole batch. I ended up sitting Indian style on the grass. There was some sort of civil war going on between the grass blades. Much more interesting than the concert. 

Spencer Gets 100g's To Show Up At Clubs

Spencer Pratt, star of "The Hills" gets paid over 100 grand for appearances at clubs. People pay this buffoon to come to their club and be seen. Mind Boggling. I thought for a moment that I should be getting paid to go to bars and clubs because people always used to say, "Jesus Christ is here." However, I learned later that they were saying, "Jesus Christ...he's here." It's amazing what a word and a different tone can do to totally ruin your ego. Milk 'em for all they got Pratt...you cum rag. 

Modern Day Pirates

Apparently there's been a surge in modern day pirating. What a great idea. I would like to get really old-school with the eye patch and parrot look. I hope these guys are aware that pillaging and plundering is part of the job. I wonder what kind of booze they drink? And the drugs. I bet you they love meth. Or maybe even ICE. I haven't heard much about that stuff in a while. Maybe the Pirates are bringing it back.

I need to look into this as a possible job opportunity. Didn't see any job postings on Monster.com. I'm sure their internet connection is probably just down or something. 

Cologne

Unless your wearing Cologne to cover up booze seeping out of your pores from the night before don't wear it you Metro Sexual Hand Job. Done.

Tuxedos Pants-Play With Your Balls

I just found out that the holes in the pockets of your tuxedo are there for you to adjust your shirt. I thought they were there for you to adjust your sac. I would always request the tuxedo pants with easy sac access. I thought I had to pay more to get that. I'm working on a clothing line with easier sac access. However if I do that I need to invent some sort of way to drive without my hands. 

Kirk Cameron

This jack-ass apparently is upset because Bill Maher made fun of him in his new movie Religulous. You really going to go there Ceaver? Did you really think when Bill Maher interviewed you for his movie he was going to say something positive about your new born again Christian life-style?

I don't want to hear it. I would however like to hear what your sidekick Boner or Frank St'Bone is up too. I don't care what anyone says, he made the show Growing Pains. Method actor. And I bet he's not in some religious cult like you Kirk. I like your sweater though. 

Nose Hairs

It's so cliche but so true. When you get older hairs start coming out of everywhere. And they grow really fast. I plucked my nose hairs last night and just this morning there was a four inch hair that looked like an Octopus tentacle coming out of my nose. Who knew that I'd be spending a half an hour a week plucking hairs (and trimming my sac as well). I thought only girls had to do that (the trimming of hairs, nothing to do with sac's hopefully). 

On the plus side this is just a phase. From what I've seen once you get to be sixty years old you apparently just let em grow out with no qualms. I think I am going to braid mine.