What I Would Say On Jeopardy

These are the five stories that I am going to tell if I ever get on Jeopardy and win the full week. I don’t see myself going much longer than five days.

Monday

Alex Trebek: It says here that you had sex in an alley in New York City while the sun was out?

Me: Funny story Alex. I had gotten off work early that day and was getting good and loaded with a buddy of mine and we happened to have gotten familiar with a couple of broads that we were chatting up.

Things go a little hazy after that but before you know if I’m plowing this broad in an alley behind the bar and the funniest thing was that it was her first day in New York.

Tuesday

Alex Trebek: It says here that you once double team two hookers and ran out without paying?

Me: Funny story Alex. I was in a full black out and when I cam too I’m fucking a hooker in the ass while the other is doing body lines of coke off the other’s gash. Not knowing where I was and assuming that I had no money I pink socked the whore and got the f out of dodge.

Wednesday

Alex Trebek: It says here that you once had sex with a jar of mint jelly?

Me: Funny story Alex, I was fifteen years old and really getting into loving myself strong multiple times on a daily basis. I decided to take it up a notch and fuck a condiment. A jam type of substance was what I was looking for. I saw the jelly and just went for it. The kicker was that we were eating lamb that night and my mom didn’t know what happened to the jelly. Don’t worry we didn’t use it.

Thursday

Alex Trebek: It says here you paid a hooker extra to lick you asshole?

Me: Funny story Alex. I was getting it done with some strumpet one night and I thought I would spice it up with a little ass licking. It wasn’t so much for the pleasure of the feeling but more to the fact that I was shitting all night from the excessive cocaine and was sure that she would be licking tons of my dingleberrys. I did like it though.

Friday

Alex: It says here that you killed a drifter one time just to get an erection?

Me: Funny story Alex. I made that up. I did fuck a dude at a rest stop once though.