Former Ms. USA turns Porn Star (but she's prude)

Kelly McCarty a former Ms USA has become a porn star. Nothing wrong with that but I heard her on Stern say that she'll do anything but fuck guys in the ass with her feet. What a prude. I have no interest in her.

Five Looks A Guy Shouldn't Try To Pull Off

I completely stole this off of someone else's website right down to the pictures. I'd give them credit but I don't think they want their name associated with this crude human waste of a Website. So we'll see if he catches me. I have no problem duking it behind the middle-school. Assuming that if he's writing stuff like me he has a middle-school education much like me.

So the first look is this new manpris. Good lord! I hope this is just a West Coast thing and hasn't made it's way back East. If it has beat them good and hard.  Apparently it's very Euro. Don't bring that shit into my country. 

Next is the Gatsby Hat. Don't get this one unless you're trying to pretend you're a professor to get into some girls violet-covered panties. Don't forget the jacket with the elbow patches.

Then the Fauxhawk. This says, I'm too pussy to get a mohawk. Or, I want to look like I'm different but during the day I'm an accountant and can't get away with it at work. Hate those guys.

V Neck T-Shirts. I have no time for these. Tight V Neck T-Shirts deserve a beating. Barbwire tats? I think guys used to have these to represent that they were in jail or something. Pam Anderson kind of changed that one. I think it's code now for, 'I do steroids and I eat my chicken with the skin cut off.'

Teen Stabbed at Gory 3-D Horror Movie

Some kid got stabbed by a security guard. Tragic. I'm glad that I didn't get stabbed when I was a youth. I used to cause a lot of ruckus in theaters as a troubled tyche. The thing that got me has nothing to do with the story though. There's something about a stabbing which seems so much more brutal then a shot in the head. A stabbing seems so much more personal. 

I'm not going to get in as to why a security guard, AT A MOVIE THEATER decided to bring his knife to work and then decided to use it on someone. Of course why did Plaxico Buress bring a gun to a club. Who knows? 

The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

"I saw it and it was visually stunning." "The story line was exquisite transcending time." "It's an epic journey that will be told for ages."

Really? I saw a movie about an old dude who gets younger. I was laughing my ass off in the beginning when Pitt is all old and rickety. It was hilarious. Two and half hours later I was fuming. Fucking boring as hell.

Go see 'Slumdog Millionaire,' or 'Doubt.' Those are the two best of the year.  

There I said it. I also don't like Radiohead either. I don't give a fuck. 

Adrien Grenier

Apparently Adrien Grenier (Entourage) has an album coming out with his new band (didn't bother getting the name). He's the drummer. Woopty fucking doo. Can't these actors just keep that musician shit to themselves unless they are actually good. Consider it a hobby and don't go public with your crappy music. Hasn't worked for any actor good or bad (Russel Crowe, Keanu Reeves). I enjoy flamenco dancing but I'm not going to tell the world. It's just a hobby of mine.

While I'm on the Entourage subject when are they just going to change the show to the Ari Gold show. He's the only one who I give a fuck about watching. I get it, Turtle smokes pot, Johnny's washed up, and E's a little faggot. Just give me more Ari. The rest of that cast is dead to me. 

The Real World

I know what you're thinking. Does this guy actually watch The Real World? Or, I can't believe one of the cast members is Transgender. Or, I can't believe that Mormon guy thinks that he's actually straight. 

The only thing I am going to mention is that one of the cast members when to talk to a Record Producer who's name was simply...MACHINE. I don't know about you guys but when I hear that name all I can think of is that guy from 8mm who killed people in snuff films with the leather helmet on. When I saw this guy I felt really bad. He was a dorky little dude and probably has no idea that his name is synonymous with a Snuff Film killer. 

Besides, what the hell else was I going to watch last week. It wasn't like anything important was going on in our Nation or anything. 

I'm Sick Of These Bands

Fallout Boy, Tokyo Police Club, New Found Glory, All American Rejects, A Simple Plan, Rise Against etc...

All these bands sound the same. It's not just that though. When did become 'cool' to wear eyeliner? Glad I missed that boat. The only make up that's socially acceptable for a dude to be wearing is some left over lipstick on his piece after a nice chug. 

Most importantly though is that the majority of these bands label themselves as 'straight edge.' Which means that they don't put any drugs or alcohol in their body. I'd cut them some slack if they were all banged up and put on eye liner but these guys actually get up...SOBER...and put this shit on. Wearing make up and being 'straight edge' is about as Rock n' Roll as taking a bath with your bathing suit on. 

Stars With Bags On Their Heads

I recently saw a picture of the actor Shia LaBeouf walking around with a bag on his head to try and be incognito. Now I'm no star (although if I am alone in my apartment I can say that I am the most popular person in the room) but wouldn't a bag on your head cause a little more attention than seeing the actual star. LaBeouf's kind of a douche anyway but I think Jacko does is too with those disturbed little children of his. Fucking weirdos. 

Breaking News Regarding Towels

Women apparently only use their towel once or twice and then put in the laundry hamper and have another towel to use for the next time they take shower. They do this over and over until they run out of towels and then they do the laundry. I was under the impression that you used a towel until the growing fungi on the towel got so raw that it was growing on the majority of the towel. Those crazy women and their towels. 

Death Metal Bands

I consider that I have a pretty good taste in music. Also, I think my taste spans from everything from Willie Nelson to Slayer. However, when does it get to the point where someone transcends over into the Death Metal Scene. Is it how you were raised, or how your dad beat you when you were growing up? If I have children I don't know what I am going to do if a) They come home with a CD of a death metal band. I mean check out some of these names

Acid Death

Alter of Death

Angel Corpse

Blood Stained Child

Cock and Ball Torture

Decrepit Birth

Manimal (I started busting out laughing when I read this one. I didn't know Gates had a band?) 

World Under Blood

Vomit Remnants

Jungle Rot

Salt The Wound

Rib Spreader

Goat Whore (my personal favorite) 

Or, god Forbid if they are so f'd in the end they decide to pursue a career in death metal. I mean look at this picture of this band. I guess you just beat your kid senseless and send him on his merry way. Now, before you get all freaked out I don't want to alarm anyone. The Death Metal Scene exists largely in Norway. I get down there from time to time to sow my oats.

But this is a warning. Watch out for this 'scene.' I'd much rather have my kid smelling like shit with dreadlocks going to a Widespread Panic show, then my kid coming home and chopping off my sac because he needs it for a prop for his show with his new band Anal Bleed later on that evening.  

Fred Armisen Engaged to Elisabeth Moss

The New York Post reported this and was shocked that such a dorky looking guy could get such a beautiful Gal. I don't think she's even that hot but whatever. What's so shocking about it? Armisen is a one of the best cast members on SNL. He's obviously funny and has a plethora of money in his bank account...I would think. 

We all know that unlike men women grab guys for more than just looks. Although I've heard a woman say, "he has such nice ankles." Let's face it. I girl is going to treat you like a king if you're loaded. You can be a 300 pound walrus with a baby dick and she'll treat you like a sultan. 

But Armisen is probably viewed by women as funny and "cute." Apparently it's really easy to be cute. You just have to be ugly and wear glasses. Remember that kid from Jerry Maguire? I bet you he must resemble an ugly bastard of a human being right now. 

I just think that Post needs to give this dorky bastard a break. The couple isn't anything that ridiculous. Look at Larry King's wives or that old bag of bones that married Pamela Anderson.  

Breaking News About Jaoquin Related to the Story Below

This just in. Apparently Jaoquin's new career is a rapper. And he's dead serious about this. He has gone public and said that he's working on a rap career. There's no doubt in my mind that Jaoquin has fallen off the wagon. This is tragic. Check this out.. www.youtube.com/watch?v=zrclRelKUno 

Joaquin Phoenix & Ryan Adams Quit Their Careers

Actor Joaquin Phoenix and musician Ryan Adams have both decided to quit their careers to 'pursue other things.' Adams was quoted in his blog saying some bullshit about how he thinks his band is better than him and he can't take the fame anymore. Blah, blah, blah. Phoenix said something similar but I think Joaquin is just fucked up again. Check this out... www.youtube.com/watch?v=gletAb3TS7x&feature=related . 

Whatever the reason, I don't really give a fuck. Both are extremely talented and if they want to pursue something else that they're probably not nearly as good at then go ahead. You'll be missed but soon forgotten. There's a lot of you guys out there. 

My big quip is don't be so public about it. You want to quit your careers then just stop making music and movies. Like I just said, we'll forget about you but it will be a lot easier if you fuck stains just shut up about it. You'll both either die or realize that you both made a big mistake and come back into the things that you do well because you'll realize you're probably not good at much else and your privileged to make a shit load of money doing something you're good at and you love.

....and you both look great you fucking freaks. Show some respect for yourself and try to look 'regular.' We get it, you're different.  

New Douche Bag Of The Year

Dr. Gorgeous has disagreed with me and thought that John Edwards should have received Douche Bag of The Year over Bernie Madoff. 

There was plenty of Douche Bags out there last year and after a three day meeting with the staff of FC&B we decided along with our advertisers that this post deserves to be published. Here's Dr. Gorgeous's take on John (slippery dick) Edwards... 

If I may weigh in with my own choice I would have to go with John Edwards. Yes, him. That pretty boy, former VP candidate that boaster (or maybe he was just outed) that he used to spend like $400 for a haircut. Shit, hair looks just like mind and I spend $11 on the Iranian around the corner...I mean he has tons more hair than me but the front looks the same.

Anyways, this cum rag of a man admitted in late 2008 to cheating on his cancer stricken wife. Yes, you heard me right. His wife was home dealing with breast, bone and lung cancer, not to mention the chemo, and he was out chasing tail. What a piece of shit.

Now, Madoff is no doubt a son of a bitch and screwed over a ton of people. Most importantly the foundations he looted but when Edwards shows up at central processing in Purgatory, do you think he's going to get a pass? Fuck no. He's getting sent to the basement where he'll be sodomized with a pick axe...and not just once.

I hope his asshole rots off. 

22 Year Old Auctions Off Her Virginity On Ebay

Shouldn't this sound more like, "22 Year Old Virgin Looking For A Creepy Guy Who Peruses The Internet And Likes To Rape." This can't be safe, right? 

American Idol

I love this show in the beginning with all the bad contestants. I lose interest after the first week though when the singer's start to get good. There's some new judge. She thinks she's all that. She was singing and shit on the show. She needs to shut her trap. She's not really that hot either. I think Abdul still pretty spicy. Like picante sauce on your sac. There was some guy crying on the show. Some struggling rocker. I didn't catch his name but it was pretty good. He claimed to be a rock star but never had a band. He just wore a bandana around his head. 

Brangelina snubs Ryan Seacrest at The Golden Globes

That's pretty cool. 

VH1's Sober Living

I don't know if you guys watched Celebrity Rehab but this the continuation. They are now put in a house where they can go out and live a somewhat normal life. They have some rules life making the bed and curfew's and shit. Obviously these rules are very hard for them. Could you imagine making the bed every morning? I feel their pain. Fucking children. 

First episode aired and it looks like it's going to be a good one. Steven Adler (former drummer of Gn'R) fresh out of rehab shows up strung out of his mind all H'd up. They find needles and everything. This poor bastard. They didn't show it in the first episode but apparently Andy Dick shows up. Great TV!! Andy D is going to make this show. Mark my words. 

Ricardo Montalban Dies

That's a shame. I always like that name. Rolls right off the tongue. And he did roll with a midget named Tattoo on an island of Fantasy which is always cool. I got to get one of those. The midget, not the island. If I had an Island of Fantasy I'm sure the name would be changed to and Island of Extreme, Inappropriate, Behavior. "What's that sir? No, I'm pretty sure you requested the butt plug from Helga after check in." 

 Check out Montalban's pecs from Star Trek II. Getting his Khan wrath on. Don't call me a nerd (or gay)  because I saw Star Trek II. It was good. They put those creatures in your ear. Oh, the horror. 

Schrenker-Grade A Douche Master

So this guy tried to fake his own death by parachuting out of his plane before it crashed. What a hard on. Luckily the plane didn't kill anybody. He was then found in some make-shift tent with slashed wrists still alive. One side of me said, 'why not just let him die?' However, I kind of like the, 'let him live so he can suffer the rest of his life,' idea. God bless the USA. 

Mickey Rourke

Then there's this guy. If you haven't seen The Wrestler I recommend it. It's a pretty down movie but Rourke is good. He's really struggles in the movie. Much like his real life apparently. I'm just saying that because he looks so God Awful. You see Marisa Tomei's tattas too. She looks good, especially since she's old as fuck. 

What's the deal with all this hype about Rourke making this big comeback? I think he's a great actor but I don't remember him being out of the movie business. He's had a pretty steady career of bad movies in my opinion. Granted he was good in The Pope of Greenwich Village and Diner (especially the scene where he cuts a hole in the bottom of the popcorn and puts his D in it so the girl he is with grabs his Shwantz by mistake when she's going for the popcorn). If I did tha,t the woman grabbing it would have to eat the whole bag of popcorn since my piece would be sticking out like a nub at the very bottom. All I'm saying is that just because the guy looks like shit and has lived hard doesn't mean he's struggling for money or anything. Check out his list of movies www.imdb.com/name/nm0000620 . Trust me he's not struggling, except with his face. I'll tell you who's struggling. Cuba Goding Jr. That guy hasn't done shit since he won the Oscar and did that fancy boy dance on the stage to accept the accolade. Last time I saw him was when he played some gay dude on a cruise ship opposite Horatio Sanz. 

Paul Blart-Mall Cop

From the moment I saw this movie being advertised I of course thought the obvious...this is going to be terrible. Like so many things, apparently I was wrong. Although I haven't seen it it's getting good reviews. I looked into this and I think I found the reason. They have him driving around on a Segway. That's comedic gold. Not only is Kevin James fat which makes it funny, but that he's a half-ass cop. I love to see cops and security guards driving around on those things. Their balls must suck up into their neck when they go in the morning to see what their assignment is for the day and their vehicle is a Segway. I will say that GOB (Will Arnette) from Arrested Development was the originator of showing the American Public that people riding on Segway's look funny. 

Start Out On A Good Note

I thought what a better way to start the week posts off then a picture of a monkey riding a dog, and the world's tallest man with the world's smallest man. 

Automated Answering Systems

Remember the good old days when you called, let's say, a credit card company and someone answered the phone? Nowadays it's fucking impossible to get a hold of anyone. I love it when I finally get to be able to reach a human...even if her name is Wanita and she clearly is chewing Milk Duds. It's better than having to press a number to get to a different department and then of course the Answering System starts to develop a personality and asks if they can ask you what the nature of the call is. Has anyone figured out their problem by talking to an answering system? I had some 'cunt' (and I am referring to an answering system at a Doctor's Office) have the audacity so say, "I'm looking up your records right now." What the fuck is that? I found myself yelling at her but it got me good because it really is just an answering system. The best thing to do is just to continue to press '0' but some systems have gotten to be tricksters and they won't even let you do that. How about the one's that don't even give you the option to type it in? They want you to 'say' your 16 digit account number. This works well right. I'm pretty sure you need to be in a cave, underground like that Preacher from Poltergeist 2 for them to hear you. Of course then you won't have any reception, and even if you do they'll ask you to press * or # and no one knows where that button is on your cell phone. Again, tricksters.  You know you all have gotten the, "please say yes or no," and you yell 'Yes' and it comes back saying, "I did not get your response." Really? Because yes and no sound so similar. Absurd. 

Baseball Players Extended Handshakes

What the fuck is with baseball players and all the extended version, patty-cake handshakes they do nowadays? I'm no baseball fanatic but it seems as though every time some illegal hits a ground ball, he returns to the dugout to a myriad of chest bumps-ass slaps and, inevitably, some 10 second quasi-line dancing ritual where he and some other illiterate ass wipe nearly bang each other. Are they really that bored that they can spend their days coming with this shit? Shouldn't they be practicing? Or helping their shit hole homeland avoid a flu epidemic? Maybe they are just so happy that these team owners have them more money that most people will ever see to be a backup 2nd baseman on the fucking Cubs. 

Do us all a favor and just say 'nice job' or, if you feel the homo-erotic need to touch another sweaty man, shake his god damn hand. 

-Post send in by Dr. Gorgeous 

(Dr. Gorgeous really took it up a notch on both the racist and homophobic tip on this one. Well played.) 

Anyone Still Like This Guy?

Sure I liked him in the beginning. I liked the whole All-American guy. He seems to be just a solid guy. Happily married and seems to also be a good father. I think the majority of his movies are shit but for the most part they're big Hollywood Hits and draw a lot of fans. 

But, he's gay right? Seriously. Am I being ridiculous? I thought he fell in with Travolta and Cruise for being gay. Am I wrong? Now, regardless if he's gay or not (and there's nothing wrong with that if he is gay), but he is a Scientologist. So, no matter what he's definitely not just a normal dude. And that wife of his is...she goes from talking normal to ghetto in a matter of seconds. You're like 40 Jada Pinkett. It's okay to annunciate.  I'm sure you're still 'down' with the black community. It's annoying. 

I Can't Quit Smoking Now

Jim Carrey Stars In Yes Man

A story of a man who decides to say yes to anything instead of always saying no. What a stretch Jim. I wonder how you prepped for that one after the performance in Liar, Liar where you had to tell the truth no matter what since you always lied in the past. I would have done my research in a Whore House. They always have to say yes. Imagine getting denied from a hooker? That hits home hard. 

Mad Men

Has anyone been watching this show? It's great! Bunch of guys in the 50's (maybe 60's) who work in advertising. Tons of boozing, womanizing, banging secretaries,  all that shit. I had an assistant once at one of my jobs. She weighed about a deuce and a half and I can't even remembered her name. I don't know if I ever talked to her. She was hideous. Anyway,  the one thing that boggles my mind is that these guys are drinking all throughout their day at work and then all through the night. You'll see them in a meeting at 5pm talking coherently after a four-martini lunch. I don't get it. I'd be hanging from the rafters with no pants every day after lunch. I couldn't even begin to imagine the drunk emails that I would send out. Is there really such a thing as pacing yourself, or are they so good at drinking that they don't slur their words.?I used to really get my slur on. After work though. during work I would just stare at a blank piece of paper when I wasn't emailing friends and then the post lunch dump followed by a nice public restroom beat off. 

9 Year Old Reveals Dating Secrets

Alec Greven (9 years old) published a book on "how to talk to girls." Some of his tips are...

1) Girls win most of the arguments and have most of the power.

2) A crush is like a love disease. It can drive you mad.

3) Girls always like the smartest boys. 

Not bad advice. That being said, I'm not taking advice from a nine-year old with a baby-dick. If I could go back in time. I'd steal money out of my mom's purse before school and buy all the chicks chocolate milk's at lunch. In return I would ask them if I could squeeze their boob near my locker between classes. Oh wait...I did all that. 

Doesn't Gov. Patterson Look Like John Travolta?

Just sayin. 

Is it just me or....

does the lead singer of 3 Doors Down look like he has Down Syndrome? This might get me in trouble.

Old Bag Won't Admit To Using The Internet While Ham Boned

A 44 year old woman reported that she was the fist to use the internet while asleep. The lady sent out an evite 'in her sleep' and supposedly invited friends over for Wine and Caviar. When people responded she had no idea that she sent out the invite. It's not called using the internet 'while aslep.' It's called using the internet while BLACKED OUT! 

The List of 2008

There's so many things that I can rant about being that 2008 could be considered one of the worst years in the Unites States history. That being said, being that I rent an apartment, have a steady job, no children and don't have many expenses I really shouldn't be complaining.

Fuck that though. Not matter what's going on in our society I think I still can be upset at the person driving down the highway going 40mph talking on their cell phone (Chinese, old lady), or the guy at the gym who decided to take up two benches (one for his towel and the other for his weight belt) and doesn't use either. Girls do it too but I just give them my best "death rattle stare" and then they move.

So with that being said, here's the list of 2008. No big surprise. By the way...was there really an Olympics this year? 

Time for me to get my rant on...

Something I Want Changed In 2009-Airport Security

Hurry the fuck up. I hope everyone realizes that it's now pretty much all for show that aiport security takes so long just so the fliers won't be nervous. Those people don't know what the fuck is going on. All of the bombers were caught because of inside tips. They were caught before they got to the gate. They weren't caught my Esmerelda, the heavy set security lady at Terminal 3. I bring a liter of water in my bag every time I fly and I haven't been caught once. I hate that Aqua Fina crap. 

And if someone does bring a box cutter on a plane and threatens to hijack it, let's be honest. About twenty guys are going to get up and beat the royal piss out of him. I saw a drunk guy last year (wasn't me) who was giving a stewardess a hard time and three guys threatened him and he shut the fuck up. So, hurry the fuck up. I'm sick of waiting in these lines. Also, if you are a passenger going through one the lines take your shoes off. Flying sucks....it sucks I tell ya. 

Struggler of The Year-Plaxico Burress

Oh My God! What a hard on. Can you believe what he did? Why's he got to be packing at a club? 

"Let's see, I got my wallet, my jacket, my giant gold necklace. I think I'm ready to go out. Oh wait, I got to get my gun. We're going to a club. It should be a fun night but I might have to kill someone. It is Thursday so you never know. I hope I don't shoot myself in the leg though. That could be trouble considering I'm a professional football player and that would ruin my career. Also, because I am so well known if I do get caught carrying a gun and shooting it I could get into serious trouble ruining my life forever. I still better bring the gun. You never know."

What a great athlete for kids to look up too.  

My Most Hated Rapper of 2008-P Diddy

This was tough. I've been doing a lot of ranting in 2008 about my loathing of Lil' Wayne. Not Little Wayne, Lil' Wayne. He likes to put in his name that he's just into annunciating words. Even if it's his name.  I loathe this bloddy, tampon rag of a human being. 

In December though my man P Diddy came up in the ranks. He not only did a commercial backing a new brand of Vodka called Ciroc. Great idea. "Hey, I think I'll make a new Vodka. That doesn't seem to be happening right now." Fucking marketing buffoons. I'd love to challenge Diddy to a drinking contest, but I can't because I don't drink anymore. It has nothing to do with Ciroc Vodka however. I would brush my teeth with that shit. It doesn't stop there though. He then released a new cologne named, 'I AM KING!' What a fucker. I get it, you're a douche and you love yourself. I bet you a lot of guys who wear, 'I am king' cologne also drink 'Ciroc' Vodka. Diddy's dead to me. 

Cunt of the Year-Elizabeth Hasselback

I'm going to let you all in on something that I haven't told anyone and could question my credibility as a hetero-sexual male. I found myself in the latter stages before the election recording "The View." Now before you get all "what a fancy boy?" I was doing it only because of the idiotic ramblings of this cunt. Everyone on that show is terrible don't get me wrong. Woopi...she can go away now. I was done with her after "Jumping Jack Flash." But Hasselback...holy shit. I found  myself yelling at the TV on a daily basis. Every day she would report some fact that she found online making Palin sound good, or bashing Obama. It's okay if you are a Republican to admit that Palin destroyed your chances of winning. I like McCain. Old Man River no doubt but he's a good guy. 

Palin was definitely up for this award but I chose not to give to it her for one reason. There's a movie called Beautiful Girls and in that movie a character describes another character by saying something like,"he's like the retard that doesn't know he's retarded. Therefore he's content." That's Palin. She has no idea what a cunt she is and she's without hope. Hasselback on the other hand has to slowly realize that she's an idiot and more importantly not helping out the Republican party. Get your news from Page 6 and shut up about politics Liz. That's what I do.