Joaquin Phoenix-Again

All I'm going to say is that if this is some elaborate Hoax then it better be a good one Joaquin. 

Rumors are circulating about a documentary that Casey Affleck is filming and how it's a going to be a joke about 'Joaquin having a meltdown and change careers.' Is that funny? Oh Joaquin, you got me. Good one. Others say he's doing it to prep for a role. Well if you're doing that do it on your own. Time. 

I'm anxious to hear what happens when it comes out. 

One things for sure...If I go back to drinking, I'm growing a beard and tell my friends and family that I'm working on an elaborate 'Art Project.' 

OCTOMOM'S DOCTOR

Dr. Michael Karmava- That's amazing! 

80's Exercise Clothes For Women

I was watching 'Armed and Dangerous' and there was this scene where Candy was running around the gym. Wouldn't be nice to get girl's to start wearing these kind of outfits in the gym. I like the belts.

 I wouldn't even have to go the gym to work out. I'd be exhausted from hand-fucking myself in the bathroom. My fore arm would be enormous like Popeye. 

Drunk Subway Rider

I couldn't find a picture of this moron but here's his lawyers pic in case you see him on the street and want to choke him. Dustin Dibble won 2.3 million dollars for falling onto the subway tracks and getting run over, losing his leg.

Who even thinks of suing? This fucking country sometimes. The city is to blame because Dustin Dibble (not to be mistaken with Dustin Diamond) can't handle his booze and fell. 

You fucked up Dustin. You're lucky to be alive. I hope the next time you're out drunk you watch yourself. 

To be honest I'm just pissed with all of the injuries that I sustained that I didn't think of doing what Dustin did. You win this round D Squared. 

Jungle Love

Whenever I start my week off and I go through the paper the first thing that pops into my head is that there's not going to be any news that's going to be newsworthy for this website. By 'newsworthy' I mean something like, 'A man held a woman hostage in Toledo, Ohio for three days, and did nothing but read the Bible to her.' That just happened. 

Luckily though, I believe that we are in a time where America is really struggling and the news some tragic, seems to be getting more bizarre every day. 

It's disturbing but it's great material and I always say better them than me.

Here's the story... Sandra Herold is devastated that her Chimp attacked a friend of hers and was forced to be put to sleep. She treated the chimp like her late-husband . The chimp ate with her, watched TV with her and yes SLEPT WITH HER. I don't know if she squatted on his ape-cock but it wouldn't surprise me.  

Really Sandra? You're surprised that a chimp who is supposed to be living in the jungle acted out of the ordinary? You dumb bitch.  You have a chimp as a pet/husband anything goes. Do you really think a chimp is supposed to have PREDICTABLE behavior? 

I say make her do bachelor parties where she bangs Apes otherwise get rid of her. I'm done with her. 

Kiefer Sutherland Deserves Respect

You got to give it to Kiefer. 5 Dui's and he's still rocking. He was in the paper last week yelling at some singer in NYC at some bar. He's no stranger to an 8 Ball and a couple Whores I bet. 

BABY DADDY?

If I ever become a father (and I my Ugandin Quintuplets should be coming in the mail any day) and someone (male or female) refers to me as BABY DADDY I will judo chop them in their Adam's Apple. What the fuck is that? How about the Baby's Daddy or Father. Don't go ghetto on me. 

Kathy Griffin Self Deprecating

I haven't been following Kathy Griffin's career but I read a recent article about how she's made her fame being Self-Deprecating. I think she had some show where she called herself, a D-List Celebrity. 

I've never seen it but if she's making a career about being self-deprecating I'll be happy to help her out. How about...

You're ugly as fuck

You're not funny

I can't name one thing you've ever been in

Howard Stern ranted that you are known as being a 'Dead-Fish' in bed

You're hideous looking

You look like a troll

You're voice is annoying

Even in a drunken black out I would deny you going down on me

You're crotch has cobwebs

No one is ever excited to see you when you enter a room

You're ugly as fuck

and...

You have red hair and that means you have freckles and you got to be a hot-ass red head to pull freckles

That Guy Who Threw The Shoe At Bush

I think the saddest thing about this (and I know it happened a while ago) is Bush's reaction. One of the scariest things is when Bush went 'off script' and improvised. 

Let's forget the fact that he's a terrible public speaker. The thing that really got to me, or I guess gets to me is how painful it was to hear him try and crack jokes or be 'witty.' He was just so dumb. I would love to hear that 'off camera' Bush was really funny or he's a good family guy. Bottom line is that he is just a dumb guy. If I was a classmate of his I would have made fun of him and stolen his Blow. 

www.youtube.com/watch?v=_RFH7C3vkK4

Jimmy Fallon To Replace Conan

Wonderful. We get to watch Jimmy Fallon misread cue cards and laugh uncontrollably. Can't wait. 

NO POSTS THIS WEEK!

I'm busy trying to court Rihanna. I like to try and get them when they're down. Seems to me that after a good beating from their x-boyfriend they take kindly to a twisted, soul such as myself. 

Fraudulent Emails (most offensive thing I've ever written)

I'm so sick of these. I finally decided to bite back. What you are about to read is the email that was sent to me followed by the response that I sent back. I took it to a new level and I am honestly a bit scared of what the outcome might be. I did it for the fans though! Please read. You'll never think of me the same. I've never written anything this offensive in my life. 

EMAIL RECEIVED:

GOOD DAY.

I don't really know who you are, but peace be unto you as you read this letter. My instinct tells me that I can trust you by my proposition. I got your contact through the Internet directory and my instinct directed me to send this money to you. 

I am a widow and a devoted Christian, my name is Mrs. Linda Lucas from England, married to Christopher Lucas, since my husband died, I have been suffering from arthritics and lately doctors have diagnosed me with terminal cancer which left me with approximately twelve months to live. I am currently on wheelchair and being looked after by as nurse and some of my late husband's relatives in turns. 

Before my husband died, he left me some money to the tone of two-million pounds and he made made me promise him that it should be used for humanitarian work, because we have no children and he does not want his brothers to lay a hand on it, since they don't believe in god, they have a different vision. 

This money is currently in a vault with a deposit company in Europe. If you will promise me that you will use this money to achieve the wish of my husband and me, then I will instruct the deposit company to release the funds in your name. Note that I don't speak much to my illness.  I will appreciate if we communicate through email. Reply me through my email address:

lindalucas22@hotmail.com for us to discuss so that you can go and claim this money before I die. May God bless you as you walk in the light and glory.

Thank You.

Yours,

Mrs. Linda Lucas. 

EMAIL THAT I SENT:

What's up Mrs. Lucas you British cunt. Or should I say Ms. Lucas since you are now single since your husband is dead and rotting right now. I'll be brutally frank. If you are looking for a little 'D' I'll come across the pond and sixty-nine your wheelchair riding ass. Shove my cock in your mouth and we'll take that chair for the ride of your life. The fact that your all sick and shit and can't talk makes me even more attracted to you. Obviously though, with my sack in your mouth you won't be able to speak as is. 

I'm so honored that you got a hold of me. It's amazing to think that in just two weeks I've gotten six of these emails. I was struggling financially but it looks like I'll be worth about 40 million dollars come next week. 

Let me know what I need to do on my end moving forward. If you want any information from me; social security number, bank number, etc. Please let me know. I'd be more than happy to send it to you via email.

You mentioned that you were a devoted Catholic and that's fine. I however practice Satanism. I hope this won't be a problem that I wish your dead husbands soul and eternity in damnation with pitch-forks stabbing his taint. That's what I pray for.

Just last night I was running around my apartment wearing a goat's anus on my head. Nothing to do with Satanism, I was just bored. 

It is my understanding that your cancer-ridden body wants me to do something Humanitarian with the money. Please be more specific. When I think of Humanitarian I think of funding snuff films, and websites on how to become a 'cutter.' 'Cutting' is such a rush. You should try it. You're almost dead anyway.  What have you got to lose. 

Let me know if we are on the same page? Please get back to me before you die you old bag of rickety bones. Send me a picture of your dead husband too. I want to masturbate to it, while chocking myself with a tourniquet, listening to Marylyn Manson. 

Onward and Upward. 

People Who Are Always Late

I'm sure everyone reading has those friends or is that friend who are always late. It's so annoying. Especially when people use is as their 'thing.' I hear shit like, "I'm always late." Or, "don't worry about so and so being on time, he's always late." Fuck that. We live in a day and age where if you are late at least have the courtesy to make a phone call. Don't walk around thinking that it's just cool because you're the guy who's always late. I don't want to hear shit like, "it's just my thing, I'm always late." Get a watch, start getting ready earlier and if you are running late by 5 minutes make a phone call and let that person know. Don't strut into a place where you are going to meet somebody a half an hour late and act like nothing is wrong because you're always late. It's fucking rude, disrespectful, and it makes you look like a douche. 

OCTOMOM

Octuplet mom Nadya Suleman kept having babies after doctors diagnosed her with paranoia, depression, wild mood swings and post-traumatic stress disorder. 

What a surprise. You mean she's not right in the head? Who knew? What a dumb bitch. I hope her gash drags on the floor for the rest of her life. 

Blow-Up Doll Party

A Florida man was arrested after he was spotted fondling and making out with two blow up dolls, while masturbating in a supermarket parking lot. 

Enough said. I love the fact that this man can't do this in the privacy of his own home. He has to take it to the next level 91/2 weeks style. He likes the rush of thinking he's going to get caught. Well played. 

He certainly one upped me on that one. It's never too late though. The only trouble I've gotten into at a grocery store is I got chased out by some bag boy for being caught huffing the whip cream in the dairy aisle. 

Is Nothing Sacred

A new website was created www.ashleymadison.com. The tagline is LIFE IS SHORT, HAVE AN AFFAIR. It's a website that encourages married men and women to go on to have affairs. Or as I like to put it, a rapists paradise. 

I'm not married but I'm going to assume that this isn't the safest place to be logging into if you plan on having an affair. I don't even know how to erase websites that I've been on. 

Men will always have business trips and escort services. I don't think a website is going to work. 

Sheyla Hershey Biggest Boobies

Congratulations to Sheyla Hershey (pictured in the tank top T-Shirt). After undergoing 8 breast-enlargement surgeries she traveled to Brazil for her ninth. She wanted to get them done in Texas but Texas law limits the amount of Silicone that can be injected into cum-caverns. Sheyla now has a 38KKK bust. Congrats. Your alcoholic mom and child molesting dad must be proud. 

I'm pretty sure though that this is a misprint as Maxi Mounds (pictured in the beautiful undergarments) holds the world record for a 36MMM bust. 

Who knows. You guys be the judge. 

Christian Bale Rant

I don't have much to say. Check it out if you haven't heard. It's so good. www.youtube.com/watch?v=qrvMTv_r8sA  I think I like him more now. 

He's a good actor. Check out the pic from him from the movie The Machinist. As a good friend of mine mentioned, imagine losing 60 pounds for a movie that ends up sucking. 

Here's a techno song that they created over the rant. I put it on repeat before I go to bed. 

www.youtube.com/watch?v=82WCj8AbfsE

Robert Plant The Wrestler?

I was watching the news the day after the Grammy's and saw that Robert Plant (the lead singer of Led Zeppelin) played with Allison Krauss. Apparently that's his new 'thing' and the reason why he doesn't want to get Led Zeppelin back together. Douche.

I seriously had to do a double take though. I thought either Plant was actually the lead in the movie 'The Wrestler' or Mickey Rourke was actually singing with Allison Krauss. They both look crinkly as fuck. 

Check Out This Guy

A) He must smell like shit.

B) That whole Bar/Restaurant/Club must smell like shit. 

C) Is that guy in the corner wearing lipstick?

Why Waste Alcohol?

I was watching this movie 'College' last week. It might have been one of those gems that have gone straight to DVD. The title got me and I made it about half way through but had to turn it off. What I noticed is that recently in movies during party sequences in order to show that people are having a good time they don't drink the Booze they throw it around the party. What's up with that? I don't remember shaking up a beer can and opening it and spraying it around as a fun time. I remember drinking the beer can, or throwing a full beer  can (at somebody) but it offends me that in order to show that people are having a good time they have to spray all the booze around at each other. It's such a waste. Drink it, pee in a cup and then throw the pee around. Isn't that more fun. 

Lil' Wayne Again

Months after I ripped apart Lil' Wayne for being...well just look at him. He of course is now being praised as one of the top artists of the year. I didn't watch the Grammy's except for U2's performance but apparently he was amazing! What the fuck? 

Here' the kicker though. Lil' Wayne has now decided to go back into the studio and record a 'rock album.' Top producers such as Dr. Dre have signed on. The guy can barely talk but I guess once again I am wrong (the first time I was wrong was ragging on the movie Beverly Hills Chihuahua which of course was the number on movie in America).

I stand by my opinion and am now convinced that I am the only person who's actually seen him play guitar. Please look at the following again www.youtube.com/watch?v=xBM1LCZKkQg&feature=related Can't wait for that dreaded album that will probably debut at number one. 

Jessica Simpson Portly?

Jessica Simpson has been getting ridiculed in the tabloids for gaining weight. I must admit that she does look a bit heavy-set. What do expect with cans like those. Give her a break. I'm sure she'll get back on her work out regiment with her trainer and lose it. 

If that doesn't work I'm sure with all the public ridicule she's start puking her guts out like a true American girl. Either way, she'll be fine. 

What Are You Doing Phelps?

No wonder he was so hungry. I'm just kidding that was terrible. What was Phelp's thinking? "You want a bong hit?" "Yeah, but you got to get a picture of me first." You got to be more careful. You think when I was huffing Glade in people's bathroom's I wanted to get proof? 

Imbecile, doofus.

I must admit, if he did get caught doing a hit of coke off one of his medals that would have been have been kind of cool.

  

KISS Gets Back In the Studio

Really guys? Headed back into the studio to crank out some more choice tunes. Going to strap on that bass Gene and let that creative inspiration just flow. Going to get that drum kit shined up Peter. Going to paint that star on your face to get in the groove Paul. Going to try and put down the bottle for a day to actually see if you can still play the guitar Ace.

I'll let you in a little secret. Kiss absolutely sucks at their instruments. I mean terrible. And the singing is just as bad. Strap on the cockiness and some platinum records and you've got a recipe for Douche-Bags. I hate KISS so much. They have some hits but it's mind boggling that they could sell out shows because they painted their faces and spit blood. 

John and Kate Show Chaps Mosephus's Taint

You know what really chaps my taint? This John and Kate Plus 8 show about parents with 8 half-nipsy kids under the are of 6. They have a set of twins and also septuplets. First of all they had the audacity to call the birth of septuplets a miracle. That ain't a miracle, that's a friggin' science experiment. That's like some juice head claiming it's a miracle that he can bench 400lbs. No, it's just science and medicines doing exactly what you paid to have them do. So these parents get approached to do a couple of one hour shows to show how they manage their lives, like they are the only people in the world to have more than three kids. My dad is one of 9 kids, but my grandfather had the class to do it the old fashioned way. He kept my grandmother knocked up or nursing a kid for about 20 straight years. This lad Kate gets off easy, she go bang out the 6 kids in nine months. If you gave my grandmother that choice I bet she takes the 'one and done' pregnancy as well. 

Now TLC offers them a full season contract and the parents sign on. In my opinion they may as well have sent these 8 kids back to their mother land and sold them to a sweat shop owner who could use their tiny hands to assemble anal beads and sew intricate dream catchers for Camero rear view mirrors. Talk about exploitation. Not these kids have camera crews following them around all day every day as they go on any vacation or to any attraction that their media whore parents can squeeze some endorsement cash out of. And to top it all off Kate is a bitch. She treats her husband like he's on of the tow year olds. If this guy went AWOL one day and chopped her ass up and stuck her in a freezer it wouldn't surprise me in the least. It would actually make for a great season finale. I can assure you this little experiment of a show will not end well. My only solace is knowing that about 16 years from now I will get to watch the first ever Korean-American septuplets episode of Intervention. NOw that show is quality TV. 

-Post sent in by Mosephus (proud father of a newborn daughter.)

Artie Lange As Good As Dead

Stand up comedian Artie Lange who works on the Howard Stern is struggling with his many addictions. This time it was Heroin. Lange does everything but last month he threw Heroin into the repertoire. Imagine how down you must be to stick a needle in your arm. 

Who am I talk though having just gone through a recent addiction to cutting myself. I did it for the 'rush.' 

Lange told everyone he was going to go to Rehab but instead went to a spa and got a Colonic. He's back on Stern now and says he's doing fine but you never know. 

Why not just go to rehab. He obviously battles every addiction known to man. He also idolizes Belushi. That's not a good combo.

He should do what I do an idolize Woody Allen. I sit by computer wearing black framed glasses, spinning a dradel with a young-Asian women on my lap. It's much safer.  

A-Rod's A-Douche

I'm done with him and I'm a Yankee fan. Great player but what's he doing dating Madonna? I thought he was a fag? I don't agree with Joe Torre printing a book and talking about A-Rod's obsession with Jeter it but I'll still read it. 

I understand A-Rod going for Madonna. She must be a viciously, skilled lover but it's going to get old...Because she's old.  She looks great but she's about 5 years away from being a crinkly, old bag.

  

Ghetto Slut Sues The Hawaiian Tropic Zone

Melody Morales is suing the Hawaiian Tropic Zone because they wouldn't hire her. The reason why she wasn't hired was because the manager said that she was too "Ghetto." I love it. The manager said, "we will not hire you, because you have a speech problem." How awesome is that. Of course he's now getting sued but for that. If I owned a restaurant I wouldn't want my sluts to talk like they just got out of prison. 

If I'm sounding racist go fuck yourself. I didn't create places to live where you essentially talk in your own language and if some fucking' bitch can't get a job because people can't understand her and she's not willing to talk with annunciation and words that people understand I could give two shits about her. 

Rod Blagojevich's Senior Year Photo

I like a man who sticks to his guns and goes with what works. Doesn't let the 'trends' get in the way.  He was 'helmetized' back in high-school and stuck with it. God bless you, you nest-wearing, shit-heel.

Rod Blagojevich

Horse Drawn Carriages Are Being Banned in NYC

Luckily I moved out of NYC before this happened. If this happened while I was there I wouldn't be able to get a date. I used to get a carriage for the weekend and drive around in the back like Jack the Ripper offering drugged up Absinthe to damsels on the street. 

Kanye West

I am so fucking sick of this guy. He complained about a bad review he got from a concert he put on recently. Here was his response, "You, why won't you let me be great?...Please, I beg you, give me a break! Just let me be great!" 

Just shut the fuck up and do whatever it is you do. I hate to generalize as I'm really only speaking about Sean Puffy P Diddy Daddy Combs and this cock-rubber, but do what you do best and please be quiet. There are people out there much more talented than you. 

I must say, Kanye is talented. I don't buy any of his 'robotic-rap,' but I can see how people like him. I rock a bandana Kanye style regularly around my neck though. So continue to make good music, and continue to help me with my fashion but stop talking.  

Sarah Jessica Parker

Doesn't she look like a mangled crow.