In Los Angeles they've designed 'compact parking.' It's absolutely absurd and it forces cars to park too close to each other. It brings about constant rages with people (or maybe it's just me) to add on with the traffic rage.
Every time I see a parked car that's not parked perfectly in its spot I’m tempted to leave a note saying something like, “Learn how to park you fucking douche-bag.” But I always began to think that maybe the reason why someone is not parked correctly is because maybe the person who parked next to them didn’t park correctly forcing them to park all shitty and it wasn’t even there fault. However, there are exceptions when you know that this is not the case. A couple of week ago I saw a classic exception.
I was pulling into a CVS parking lot and the parking lot was full. I found a spot and I noticed a Jaguar parked in the middle of two-spots. These parking spots weren’t compact either. I sensed that a Jaguar owner will, A.) Probably be a douche and B) Probably wouldn’t be that threatening.
I walked back to my car, found a piece of paper and scrolled down, ‘You must be a real douche-bag to park like this.’ Simple, no curses but got the point across.
I waited like the coward that I am till no one was in the parking lot and then put the note on the car. When I turned around I saw a man leaving CVS. Only man in the parking lot. I would say, mid-fifties, skinny guy with a tweed-jacket’ on. The Tweed-Jacket gave it away and I said to myself, “This is going to be the fucking guy.”
He saw that I put something on his car and was fast walking over to see what it was. On a side note, fast walking is not going to make you look tough.
At this point though my mind is going crazy. What am I going to say? What if he attacks me? All that shit. Now, I’ve spent countless hours coming up with comebacks of what to say in these scenarios, but I can’t think of anything.
In a rush of adrenaline I turn around and stand my post. ‘The Tweed-Jacket Professor’ reads the note and looks up at me. I’m ready for a retort but I don’t know what to say, nor do I knowhow’s his parking job.
‘The Professor’ looks at me and says, “Oh really?” He threw me so off guard. “Oh really?” What the fuck does that mean? I expected at least, ”Asshole.” Or “don’t touch my car.” What the fuck?
So here was my response, “Oh really? Really what? That you can’t park a car.” Made no sense. I caught myself realizing that I’m sounding like a complete moron so I kept up with the moronic retort. “Learn how to park you fucking fucker. You fuck. Fuck you.” I might have thrown a ‘cunt’ in there. Not sure.
The guy just got in his car and drove away. Here’s where it gets good. Not known to me, a Gentleman getting out of his car witnessed this whole transaction go down.
He says to me, “Did you leave a note on that guys car for parking all shitty?” I defeatedly said yes. He asked, “What did you write?” I told him what I wrote.
He responded with, “You just made my fucking day. If I had a truck I would have gone over and hit that pussy mobile for you.” “I’m trying to change this city one parking one car at a time.” He got a chuckle and we walked into CVS.
So I guess even with my shitty retort it went okay.
Now I’m working on how I’m going to get people to look at the road when they drive and stop texting on their cell-phones. I’ve been thinking about driving around with those ‘bang-snaps,’ but that will probably cause more harm than good…so I’ll do it!
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