When do you reach the point of a relationship when Anal Beads come into play? "Hey honey, I wanted you to know that I love you very much. Now if you don’t mind bending over I’m going to stick this necklace type device up your asshole and then I’m going to pull it out quickly. The suction from your balloon-knot is supposed to feel good. I’m then going to clean the poop off the bead and you can then do it to me.”
First off, God Bless You Dunkin’ Donuts for the XL Turbo Ice Coffee. It’s the closest thing to Cocaine that I’ve come across since Legalized Gas Station Trucker Speed.
This has to do with an employee at Dunkin’ Donuts. I was driving on a Highway desperate for one of those TUBS of coffee and I pulled off of two different exits with signs saying that there were Dunkin’ Donuts but I couldn’t find them. Those are the absolute worst. On a side note, when you get off the exit and you don’t see a sign that tells you which way it is, or it does have a sign pointing, but doesn’t tell you how many miles it is you know you’re in trouble. And yet instead of jumping back on the highway I always must search. Never works.
On my third exit I finally found the Dunkin’ Donuts and ordered my SPEED TREAT. I gave the employee a five-dollar bill. She told me in her best, “’ don’t give a fuck manner’ that she couldn’t change large bills. “It’s a five.? The total was $3.85. Before I could order a donut she simply said, “Next.”
I get it. You work at Dunkin’ Donuts you’re probably not that happy. In fact, when someone is nice to me at any customer service job I’ll be very nice back. If you’re rude though I’ll be rude back. IDGAF.
I turned around giving my best, ‘can you believe that they have no change?’ look to the huge line behind me and no one seem shocked. And the kicker was the guy who jumped in line when he heard that cunt yell, “next,” said to me in a real down and dirty Mass accent, “You should have brought change.” “Thanks, you fuck.” I didn’t say that though. I got in the back of the line and waited to try this order again including the Donut, like the chump I am.
GO YANKEES!
Seems like a good idea but it’s terrible. You’re one on one with a girl who you don’t know well. You’re not sure if she even likes music or the band you are going to see. She might just be being nice. Then the music starts and you can’t talk. You try and she tries yelling back and forth but neither one of you can understand what you’re saying. You both just resort to nodding.
The worst part is the dancing. What do you do if you’re a guy? I personally just stick to the head not but what if she’s starts really getting into it, or worse. What if she wants to dance with you?
On the plus side you could look at it as a night on with a girl where you’re probably going to get hammered, not talk and possibly get laid if you paid for the ticket you cheap fuck.
Means she’s insecure. Slam dunk. Definitely fucks on the first date.
“Why are you looking at your watch?”
Don’t ask me that. I’m looking at my watch because I’m wondering what time it is. That’s why I wear a watch.
“What do you do for a living?’
A better opening line to a conversation is, “Is it okay if I talk about what I do for a living?” You know how you be the most popular person at a party? Introduce yourself to someone, ask a lot of questions about them and let them talk…or if you are trying to get laid.
“I’ve Never Heard Of That.”
If you see me reading something you don’t know, or hear me listening to something you don’t know, don’t assume it sucks because you haven’t heard of it. There’s more music out there than ‘The Black Eyed Peas’ and more books out there than ‘The Da Vinci Code’ you shallow fuck.
If you are talking about a recent flight you had and how awful the food was, or how the person sitting next to you was fat, or there was a baby crying keep in mind that you WERE ON A PLANE! It’s a fucking miracle. You were up in the air soaring above the clouds at 400 miles per hour. That should put things in perspective.
Who am I Daniel Boone? Like a give a fuck about pretty views, plants, flowers, and nature as a whole.
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